I Don’t Feel Like Myself Anymore: and why I see that as a good thing

I don’t feel like myself right now. And I really haven’t since graduating from high school almost two years ago.

And I don’t have a problem with it. I see it as a good thing. Why? Because if I know that I don’t feel like myself, then I’m one step closer to figuring out who I am and who I want to be.

I Don't Feel Like Myself Anymore: and why I see that as a good thing | College with Caitlyn

When I recognized that I wasn’t feeling like myself, which honestly took me over a year, I made a list of things that make me feel fake and a list of things that make me feel like myself.

All of the things on my bad list have one thing in common: they are all things I felt like I had to do. They were things that I felt society was telling me I had to do, things I felt like I had to do since my friends do them, or things I felt like I had to do because they were things my ex-boyfriend wanted me to do.

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This list included things like be a night owl and sleeping in as long as possible, dressing like someone who just woke up, never wearing make-up, working out five days a week or more, only posting my best pictures, talking to people I don’t like because I just wanted to talk to someone, and going to parties.

None of these things make me feel good, but rather make me feel fake. When I do these things I become someone else. I’d call her Caitlyn 2.0, but she’s so different from me that I wouldn’t even give her the same name.

Since I have a list of things I know I don’t want to do or want to be like, I can cross those off my list of “possible Caitlyn traits,” and add the opposite to the list instead.

On this list is: waking up early, reading before bed, being asleep before 11 pm, dressing up every day, wearing a full face of make-up, having long hair, shopping, going to the library, girl talk, taking mirror pics of my outfits, running, daydreaming and doing a spontaneous handstand or cartwheel.

Most of the things on the good list are things I did in high school. I don’t think this is because I want to live in the past, because there are certainly things about high school I do not want to relive, but because some huge changes occurred in my life after graduating and I don’t like the way I reacted and changed as a result.

All of these things help define who I am as a person, but somehow I started to drift away from them as life got crazy. A.k.a. the start of college. When I started college last fall I knew I was going to change a lot, and I have, but not all of those changes were ones I wanted to happen.

Related: What I Miss About High School

After high school, I moved out of the state I had lived in for the majority of my high school career, and started college in Kentucky. Because of the move and starting college, I began spending a lot more time alone and talking to people less and less as my old and new friends got busier and I got out of a relationship I had been in almost a year.

A year may not seem like a long time, but a lot can change in a year. I had grown accustomed to always having someone there for me while in that relationship, so when I no longer had that I broke down and didn’t know where to turn. I kept thinking about how I wanted to go back to being myself, but I didn’t know who I was any longer.

This was this past February. Since then, I’ve spent these last 10 months rediscovering myself.

I took notes of what made me happy and what didn’t, changing what I did accordingly. I spent more time alone instead of around toxic people. I’ve worked on being my own best friend and making my relationship with myself my number one priority. And it’s been the most amazing 10 months.

It really has, but I still don’t feel like who I truly am nor who I want to be.

Why? Because I’ve changed so much negatively, not only do I have to reverse these changes, but I also have to add new changes, and change doesn’t come fast nor easy. It’s a long process and me writing this is me accepting this fact with open arms.

While some of the experiences I’ve had in the last year and a half haven’t been the most pleasant, they led me to where I am today and made me realize I wasn’t happy with who I was.

Now I know the kind of girl I want to be and every day I’m becoming one step closer to that girl, and that’s all that matters.

Have you ever felt like someone else before? What did you do about it? What are three things that make you feel like yourself? Let me know in the comments below!

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